"...I am so befuddled right now. My brain is so full and I have so many things to remember & accomplish & I'm just not doing well...even with making lists. I feel like I'm 80 years old or something. It is driving me nuts & I don't know how to fix it..."
This was part of an email from a dear friend this past week, used with her permission. Because seriously- don't we all feel this way sometimes? I do. A lot. I walk into the kitchen only to stand there, looking dazed and confused and absolutely unaware of why I went there or what I was looking for in the first place. Life with a new baby? Probably. Will it go away? Who knows?
I've been thrown a few curve balls lately. And I have to tell you- I hate baseball.
Life is busy, life is stressful. I had this weird notion (where it came from, I haven't a clue) that once I was out of college, life would slow down. It didn't. Well, maybe once I got married, life would slow down a little. Oh wait, no.... once I had a baby and I got to stay home with him, THEN life would slow down. Yeah.... not so much.
And don't you know that time just goes faster and faster the older you get? It's true. Totally true. So after we encountered a (big) kink this past week in some big plans we had, I decided I needed to figure out how to stop for a bit and just breathe. The answer came in the shower. Because the truth is, the shower is just about the only place a mother can be alone. Even being on the throne doesn't guarantee solitude when there are littles in the house. Seriously.
So I was standing in the shower and suddenly realized how much I liked the smell of my facewash and how the shower was deafening and I could hear nothing but the water. And I started making a mental list (I do love my lists!) of all the things I miss out on each day that I shouldn't be missing out on. I've made a new goal to stop, and be still more often each day. It may not bring back my memory (maybe it will?), but it certainly makes me appreciate the simple things that make my life happy. Here are a few examples of things I'm going to appreciate more, by slowing down and taking the time to do so. Feel free to sit for a minute and enjoy, as well.
With the eyes:
-Step away from dinner/bathtime/work/etc. and go outside shortly before dusk, just to watch the sun set. Pretty sad that most of the sunsets I see are by accident when we're in the car. I should be doing that every.single.day.
-Lay on the grass and find animals and shapes in the clouds. Yes, it's just as much fun now as it was when I was 6.
-Look at peoples' profiles, the way they're built, facial structure. It's totally intriguing. Little Rowan happens to have the sweetest profile I've ever seen (see below).
With the ears:
-Birds, in the morning. As much as I'd like to (then why don't I?!), I don't generally lay in bed when I wake up. I get up. I get going. The day has started. And because I don't lay there, even for just 30 seconds, I don't ever hear the birds. The other day I thought to myself, "Geez- there sure aren't very many birds in Southern California!" only to realize today that really, I just haven't been listening.
-My children laughing and singing. Their voices are so sweet and all too often, it just becomes background noise. I need to sit and listen. Better yet, I need to sit and listen and record them with the flip camera, so I can remember.
-James Taylor, my very very very favorite musician. Ever. Seriously- check this out- just sit and listen for a bit, then play it again. The first time I heard him sing this live was in '94 at the Telluride Bluegrass Festival and it was very truly a defining moment in my life. Sounds so cheesy, but it's true. It brings tears to my eyes every time I hear him sing it, and it's becoming the token bedtime song at our house. (Chills & tears, right now, listening to it...)
With the nose:
-Take the time to just breathe in the shower and smell all the yummy things: facewash, bodywash, shampoo.
-Candles. I'm not inclined to light them often, living in the heat of So Cal, but I should because I love this smell.
-Hold this babe of mine and just smell her goodness. What is it about babies that smells so good? I don't know, but I need to take advantage before it's gone.
With touch:
-Massage. Duh, right? I don't do this often enough, and every time I do, I realize how overdue it was! My back takes the brunt of much of what I do each day, and I'm resolving to have JT dig his elbows into my delts more often.
-Hold hands. When's the last time you held hands? I very much enjoy holding hands with my children and I try not to let go even after we've crossed the street. Now to figure out how to hold JT's hand more often (hard when there are a number of little hands always needing to be held).
-Wrap up in a soft blanket and enjoy. I'm one who always loves to be covered up- I hate sleeping uncovered, even in the dead of summer. And anyone who knows me well knows that I love quilts and blankets, so this one will be easy for me.
-Enjoy the feeling of fresh, clean sheets. I love going to bed at night and the feeling of relaxing all of my muscles and getting comfy in my bed. Crisp clean sheets only adds to that feeling of relaxation.
-Spend an extra minute in the shower and enjoy the feeling of hot water hitting the skin. Life is too rushed, and one extra minute in the shower will do me much good, I think.
With taste:
-Good dark chocolate and letting it melt in the mouth. Mmmm...
-Tangy fresh limeade.
-The complex taste of my grandmother's old English cranberry pudding with hard sauce... not for the unsophisticated tastebuds!
This list isn't complete. More than anything, I want to savor my life, not simply live it. There are too many joys that I miss out on because I'm rushed, or simply not paying attention. I'm resolving to be more attentive and love myself enough to slow down, feel things more often, and live.
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lists: stop, and be still...
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I know who I am. I know very well who I am: where I came from, where I'm going, what my purpose in this life is. I know those things. It's funny, isn't it? Those are the questions most people ask. They're the questions I know the answer to. What I don't know, sometimes, is why I flounder in certain areas. Take PHOTOGRAPHY for instance. I'll get to a place where I'm safe, comfortable, ... bored. This doesn't happen often. Okay, so honestly, I'm hitting that place for the first time, really. I'm in a place where I want to reach and stretch and branch out and play and discover new things. Because photography speaks to my soul. It is, in a large way, how I express myself. And my soul is yearning for something new in this area.
It's part of the reason I've been playing with different processing techniques, going back to landscapes, buying new lenses. I decided a few weeks ago that I need a project. Something I can work on, just for me. I will do another 365 self-portrait project, but not just yet. That's a job for a different year. This year I'd like to have a project or two that stretch me. While I've not yet nailed down a 2nd project, I do know what the first will be.
I'm from a small town in northwestern New Mexico. I'm from there. Both of my parents were born and raised there. I had great-grandparents who settled the area. It will forever be my home. Farmington is located right on the border of the Navajo Reservation, and just as that area will be forever my home, even if I never live there again, the Navajo people will always feel like family to me. My mother was raised, in part, by a sweet Navajo woman, Lucy Koteen. She was my Navajo grandmother. I wear a Navajo bracelet made of silver and turquoise that I never take off, just like my mother. While I don't technically have any Navajo blood in me, I feel a strong kindred to the Navajo people and the old ways. So, I'm taking on the Navajo Project- photographing the people and their culture. As I'm going back home twice this year, I'll work on it both times. Maybe I'll make a book. Maybe not. For now, it's a project that gives me chills to think about- a project just for me, to feed my creative soul. I will be a better person after completing this task, and while I'm sure this is an ongoing process, hopefully I'll be one step closer to finding out who I am in my art. Stay tuned...
A snapshot of Elias and Lucy, June 2004
It's part of the reason I've been playing with different processing techniques, going back to landscapes, buying new lenses. I decided a few weeks ago that I need a project. Something I can work on, just for me. I will do another 365 self-portrait project, but not just yet. That's a job for a different year. This year I'd like to have a project or two that stretch me. While I've not yet nailed down a 2nd project, I do know what the first will be.
I'm from a small town in northwestern New Mexico. I'm from there. Both of my parents were born and raised there. I had great-grandparents who settled the area. It will forever be my home. Farmington is located right on the border of the Navajo Reservation, and just as that area will be forever my home, even if I never live there again, the Navajo people will always feel like family to me. My mother was raised, in part, by a sweet Navajo woman, Lucy Koteen. She was my Navajo grandmother. I wear a Navajo bracelet made of silver and turquoise that I never take off, just like my mother. While I don't technically have any Navajo blood in me, I feel a strong kindred to the Navajo people and the old ways. So, I'm taking on the Navajo Project- photographing the people and their culture. As I'm going back home twice this year, I'll work on it both times. Maybe I'll make a book. Maybe not. For now, it's a project that gives me chills to think about- a project just for me, to feed my creative soul. I will be a better person after completing this task, and while I'm sure this is an ongoing process, hopefully I'll be one step closer to finding out who I am in my art. Stay tuned...
A snapshot of Elias and Lucy, June 2004
Laura Rhiwn says:
Racheal, is there anything you CAN"T do? Good luck with the project.
(02.05.10 @ 01:07 PM)
Jen says:
Oh Rach what a wonderful idea. I love it. I too have been feeling these need to stretch my creative wings. I know we have talked about it. I think projects like these help feed the soul and inspire growth creatively and personally. I'm proud to call you my friend and look forward to seeing the images you will capture during this project.
(02.05.10 @ 08:17 PM)
Lizzie says:
What a sweet picture. I love Lucy's french braids! Precious.
(02.06.10 @ 06:32 AM)
gina says:
that is wonderful, i can't wait to see the results of this project!
(02.06.10 @ 11:40 PM)
christy says:
What a fantastic idea! I can so relate to your need to grow and discover and am SO inspired by you to find more menaing in the images I take as well. Cannot wait to read and see all the stories you will tell :)
(02.07.10 @ 07:59 PM)
crystalyn says:
this is such a great idea!!! i love it. we grew up in south america and a girl came and lived with us when i was 8. she was a part of our family until i was 21. how i'd LOVE to have a photo of her with my kids. love, love, love your project rachel!
(02.08.10 @ 10:44 AM)
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Who am I?
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I had the wonderful opportunity last fall to shoot some unbelievably beautiful couples. You may have already seen some of these up on my website, but I wanted to blog them too. Here are just a few of the images from a lovely late-afternoon shoot in October. More to be posted soon!
Jennifer Chaney says:
GORGEOUS! Stunningly gorgeous! I can't wait to see more of your weddings!
(02.03.10 @ 08:19 AM)
Helene says:
ditto! You really have an eye for capturing beautiful couples in love!
(02.03.10 @ 09:01 AM)
tara k says:
well, this officially confirms my suspicions. you are disturbingly talented. ADORE your work, girly. :)
(02.04.10 @ 11:10 AM)
kamee june says:
rachel, i think everything about you is so inspiring! these images are divine; so it your talent!! would have loved to have been there with you on this one! ;) next time. love what you do and the way you see it!! ;)
(02.04.10 @ 09:36 PM)
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Rewind: Bridals, Series 1 - Yorba Linda CA Wedding Photography
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She turned three, and suddenly she's "Miss Independent". Wouldn't let me re-braid her hair, insisted on those great glasses.
I love it.
tara k says:
i LOVE a girl with a mind of her own! reminds me of my own sweet eliza...made purely of style and love. :)
(02.02.10 @ 10:09 AM)
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sassy girl - inland empire child photographer
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She gets her fashion sense from me. Or maybe my mother, whom I love dearly. Yep- she was rockin' it on Thursday morning- her nightgown, a pink fleece, flaming pink Monster's Inc. socks and flip-flops (a total pet peeve), big white Jackie-O glasses and her hair all fruffy from sleeping in her braids.
Gosh, I love this girl.
Post-edit: Did I mention we graced Target at 8:15am looking like this?
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Fashionista - Riverside CA Child Photography
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Amen! I love your insight. perfect reading for a monday morning. (and we happily share a love for James Taylor and Biolage :))
(02.08.10 @ 09:00 AM)love this rachel! it's one of the hardest things for me to learn in life. i look back fondly on other times in my life like college, or pre kids or anything really. and yet, i know during those times it was so easy to get stressed out or caught in the thick of thin things without looking at the big picture. it really is a gift to be able to savor the GOOD that is around us even in the midst of what's challenging about the time or phase we're in. because the truth is, both will be there...always.
love your thoughts as always. xo.
(02.08.10 @ 10:42 AM)Every post I read, I realize more of what a great daughter of God, WIfe, and Mother you are! Keep breathing it in!
(02.08.10 @ 11:09 AM)